Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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