Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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