she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
