I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
