Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
