someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i think i scared a bird with my dick
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
