i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
