imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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