When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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