I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
