I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
