Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
