I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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