he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
