I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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