God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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