I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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