i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
