he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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