just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
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