Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
