If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
