I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
