I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
