Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
