period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
