I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
