Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Randomize
