Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
