thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
