i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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