Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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