just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
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