i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Why is there bacon in the couch?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
