I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
