If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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