I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
