Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Found the puke drawer
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
