Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Congratulations! We have a period
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
