and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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