My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I supernannyed him into submission
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
