Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
