It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Panties = found
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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