Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
