Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
