Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
How does one acquire holy water?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
