Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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