Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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