OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Randomize
