Four minutes until I can fart!
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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