i don't like sucking hair
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
