Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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